Coq au vin - I thought that was sex in a lorry

With Beatrix going away for a break, those left behind carry on with even greater dedication to bringing you quality news and analysis on current, and rather personal affairs.

And here at Petardosis Total hardly a day goes by without the announcement of another world-famous celebrity joining the editorial team.

No, I'm not talking about June Brown (Eastender's own Dot Cotton), I am talking about Trevor (aka Trevol, Trevolin, Trevolon, DJ Tee, etc), a boutique marketteer from Manchester, and responsible for successes such as holidays abroad, shopping, the Eiffel Tower and little puppies.

London-based Trevor will report on subjects ranging from the declining capacity to go out and have fun of the post-young (Government speak for those between the ages of 25 and 44), to the complexities of growing traditional British lawn in mediterranean coastal areas.

He will also tell us the surprising story of how he managed to resurect Music and transform it into the multi-billion pounds business that it is today.

A very warm welcome to you, Trevor, and we hope that you enjoy this new period as our Director of Scene and New Trends in Music.